Overpopulation
December 19, 2009 
It is the purpose of this writer to come up with an answer to solve one of humanity’s biggest problems. Overpopulation is a drain on natural resources, living space, and the world at large. The human population at the time of this writing is well over six and a half billion.
That is a lot of chumps eating and starving. The farmers of the world cannot hope to provide enough sustenance for the beggars of the world. The efficiency of grains and other edible foodstuffs is not yet advanced enough to keep up with the demand. I cannot help but be reminded of newborn birds when thinking about the poor countries. A human baby sticking its head up straight and waiting and waiting for its mother to come by and drop crap into its mouth. It doesn’t help that I have to suffer through watching those damnably long commercials with Laurie Metcalf on the verge of tears moaning about how these African children lost their parents and can’t feed themselves. The kids stare at the camera with the saddest possible faces that break all language boundaries. Flies flitting about their faces starving themselves because there are no scraps of food in which for them to satisfy their own hunger. Won’t someone think about the flies, please! The all-important fly is unnecessarily hated. So what if it occasionally brings disease. That’s a natural population control for parasitic organisms. The benefits of the flies outnumber their negatives. Without the wonderful and selfless flies, we would be wallowing in our own crap and garbage. Thank you, flies. I applaud thee. Your never-ending crusade to rid the Earth of slowly degrading crap is not for naught. Long after we are gone, you will be purging the world of our infestation. In the meantime, I propose everything possible should be done for African children. Without them, the flies would have no food source.
With more and more humans being born every day, and more and more humans surviving longer and longer, we are in trouble. Our advances in medicine are quite noble, but did anyone think about the true repercussions. Yeah, humans are getting a better quality of life, but what about the next generation? Social security will be completely drained by the time I am valid. The stupid Baby Boomer generation is sucking up all of the fake money that their parents nobly put in. What is with that generation? No, that is a topic for another discussion. We will not deviate any further from the topic in hopes of addressing the true problem. Medicine requires ingredients that are becoming more scarce. Huh? What do you mean, author guy? I’ll tell you. Most of the ingredients for our medicines come from the rain forest. The rain forests around the world are slowly being chopped down. Why are they being chopped down? To provide housing for the ever-growing number of people. What the hell! What about the thousands of animals that called that forest home? The weird looking animal that used to live in that tree is no more. Our zoologists will never get to classify it. Or in the relatively lucky case, just as soon as the animal is classified, it is gone. Damn you, loggers. Stop your damage. Wood, I must humbly apologize for our interference with your long lives. We can only wish we could survive as long as you do. We adore your evergreen cousins for Christmas, but how is that right? We begin the holiday with murder, except for those who are nice enough to forego the real deal for plastic. Hey, what about plastics? They can be used instead of giant trees. They last forever anyway. Make houses out of plastic and glass. I know we can do it. I dare us. I double dog dare us.
How can we curb the overpopulation problem? Well, let’s take a page from the old days. Or even the more recent days. Mel Brooks had the right idea in Robin Hood: Men in Tights. The chick love interest had a chastity belt. The only way to get it off was through a proper marriage certificate. However, couples should not have another child until several years pass, numbers to be determined later. Divorce will be acceptable, but remarriage will not. The chastity belt will remain until the woman is barren and impregnable. Men will be forced to have vasectomies and reversals will be forbidden. Any doctor caught performing one will be castrated along with the patient. Adoption will be the number one suggestion for those who wish to be parents. Restrictions will be removed to speed up the process. Exchange programs will also be supported. However, any family abusing the children will be removed from life. Life is indeed sacred, but it isn’t something to be abused either. The death penalty, however, is free game. Instead of the three strikes law, it will be shortened to one. The world does not have the room for people ruining it for others.
What have we learned so far? People are starving, medicine is making two steps forward and three steps back, and we should utilize chastity belts full-time. This is hardly breaking the surface of the problem, but I will add more situations and examples as we go along this holiday season. We will further address overpopulation, kick ass flies, old people, the jerk-off Baby Boomer generation, babies, trees, and chastity belts when I have the time. For now, let this seep into your brain. Let it make you ask questions and desire answers. Be on your guard, though. Do not let the anti-intelligence forces shake your resolve. Keep your quest moving at all times.
Wacky Satire 
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